“They say the only way to get over a broken heart is to fall in love again. So, I fell in love with myself. Best fucking relationship of my life.”
I’m starting this post now (3/23-HEY, it’s my half birthday!!!!), because I know that it will take me a long time to get it just right and blog-worthy for all of you curious cats out there. This post will seriously probably take me a week to write, no joke. It’s a long story, and on top of that story, I have a lot to say. That’s not new though…I always have a lot to say. I won’t relish you all with the tale of my relationship. I’m anti-posting my personal life on social media. Personal life meaning my relationships. Partying, going out and every other thing that could ruin me getting a career are open for you Facebook and Instagram stalkers of my life. (So it makes TOTAL sense to post this on a blog for the eyes of the public to see…right?)
But in all seriousness, I am proud to say that people in my class weren’t even aware that my boyfriend and I had broken up. Shit, I don’t even know if they knew we were dating. Point blank, this guy was/is my first love (no need to point out that I’m a super late bloomer, I’m fully aware). We broke up in the beginning of December and I still have random moments of feeling like I have been punched in the heart, like I’m nothing, like the relationship was nothing. It was a friendly breakup, if there is such a thing. The short and nasty- he lives in OC, CA, I live in Saint Louis, MO. He has a career, I have to finish school. Life just got in the way. I guess it’s worth mentioning that we have different goals in life~him not wanting kids, and me embracing the idea of a house screaming with little kiddos when I’m READY. Of course there’s more, but you have to get a few drinks in me before I spill anything else.
When someone reads that, it’s like, “duh…no wonder you two didn’t work out” but I was and am still blindsided by the cruel effects of first love. It’s true that all one does is glorify the GOOD. This is when the endless mindfuckery takes over your life. I define “mindfuckery” as the never ending roller coaster, highs and lows of your emotions. I almost always start my day with a “Fuck you, I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone. I’m just doing me!” attitude that will transition to a mopefest of what-ifs and thinking about that one night that I won’t talk about on a public blog. Haha no, but all you think about are the laughs, the sweet-nothings, the flowers. I miss the feeling of being loved…how bitchy does that sound? I know I’m loved. Love from a family and friend does not compare to someone who was THEONE though. It just doesn’t. It also doesn’t help when you start second questioning yourself as a person. HUGE NO-NO that I unfortunately am guilty of doing. If I’m not good enough for him, how can I be good enough for anyone else? Why am I even flirting with the idea that I’m not “good enough”? I am good enough and I have to keep telling myself that.
Yes, I still have nights where I break down and have a water works show comparable to the Niagra Falls. Yes, I do think that’s healthy. Ever notice after a huge sobfest how much BETTER you feel? It’s enlightening. So what can someone do to get over a breakup? My answer for you: I don’t know. That answer sucks, it really does but it’s the truth. Each person is different. There are a gazillion websites offering advice with the simple click of google. I’ve searched google many-a-day when I was feeling low and hating on myself after crying over him. I may or may not have a *secret* board on Pinterest of break up quotes ranging from the “you should have realized what you walked away from” to the “I’m not OK-but I will be.” I have a CONTRACT taped to my wall over my bed so that it’s the first thing I read when I wake up to. Ok, lies, my phone is and I STILL break the number one rule on my contract: stalking. It’s a shameful thing for me to admit. And maybe admitting it will help me kick the habit. I know it’s not healthy. I know it very well might be fueling those terrible fantasies of Mr. Not-So-Perfect coming, begging you to take him back. This is my worst break up habit that I must break ASAP. “Hi, my name is Kristen, and I still stalk my ex’s Instagram. PHEW.”
This is why I feel I have no right to talk about this…but there are a few things that HAVE worked. As mentioned in my previous post, I enjoy a good sweat sesh (get that thought out of your head now). I work out at least 5 days a week. This started after my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I used to be really into fitness. I ran a half marathon and was as skinny as can be. Then I moved into Excuseville- the land of not having time and eating like shit- and put on a few pounds. Long story short, I have a routine that I stick to and am in the best shape of my life. I take that back, I was in better shape after the half, but I didn’t have abs like I do now! Sorry, got on a little tangent there. I don’t want to get into too much detail in the event that I ever focus on fitness, but Bikram Yoga has been my saving grace. There’s something very therapeutic about doing yoga in a 107 degree room, sweating your ass off. All you can think about is you (if you’re not you may die) and getting through the next 90 minutes alive. I kid I kid, it really isn’t that bad. You can also get all philosophical and be like “Apart from sweating off 1/3 of my body weight, I know I’m getting rid of some toxins also!”
I really feel like I’m all over the map with this post, sorry. Recap: break ups suck, life sucks major d*** after, and I don’t have the magic answer for moving on in life. What I can say is this: All you can do, is do you, and only you can do that. Does that make sense? Because it’s super repetitive in terms of my not-so-creative choice of words. I’m still working on me. This is so über-cliche but I can’t even begin to fathom loving anyone else, until the only person I’m loving, is me.
What has helped you with a breakup? I welcome any and all stories/advice, but do not want to be a hostess of a pity party. GIRL (or guy) POWER!
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No man’s face will ever compare to the gorgeous view I have going on here.
My Arresting Entity 
I shouldn’t be one to add anything, but screw it — my advice? Keep trucking forward. I’ve been making mistake after mistake, all of them seemingly derived from the fact that I’ve held onto a horde of feelings that I’ve refused to let go of, harboring poisonous resentment and anger, which has made me a bitter MFer as time has ensued.
I’ve come to realize, recently, that all that time spent allowing the anger to build up has been a complete and utter waste of time that I could have spent on other aspiration-influenced facets of life. Even sublimating the pain and anger into positivity was a bad idea, because I was still thinking about her, with her on my mind, and it was exhausting.
Example of the above paragraph: I’m into boxing and MMA, so upon those feelings of anger would hit, I’d take it out at the gym, but even after I was finished, I was still angry, and even more-so, exhausted.
Letting go is extremely difficult. The reason for that? I don’t know. Fear of the future and moving on from a person that made an impact on your life and/or change in general. What do you think, Kristen? I reckon it’s a combination.
Change is difficult, anyhow. But I like this quote: “Failure is not fatal. Failure to change, however, might be”, said by the legendary basketball coach John Wooden, something that applies to life.
Adapting to that change of routine and habit is the most frustrating thing.
Try writing your goals down. And after you write your goals down, write WHY you want to achieve whatever it is that you’ve written down as well as a plan. Writing down takes things from your mind and vomits it onto paper. Gets it out there and sets it into stone.
When we face problems, we (I’m speaking ‘we’ as humans in typical human nature/fashion) tend to focus on the problem while ignoring the solution. How about “see the solution; conquer the problem”.
I don’t believe time heals all wounds. I think that’s a crock of… yeah… I believe that action, pushing forward, making changes and switching up things in your life is the one thing that thrusts you forward. I’m not only writing this to you, but to myself as well. A self-reflection kinda thing. Sorry about the essay I’ve just written in your comments section.
PPW,
Thank you for your story, I truly appreciate it, and sorry that I’m just now replying. Life has been a little craz-O lately. Your story is very interesting as your main emotion is anger. I’ll admit that I’ve been a pissier person since this happened but I definitely contribute my main emotion to be borderline depression. At the risk of sounding naive or ignorant, I wish I was angry. I am a true believer that anger fuels. You’ve mentioned trying to fuel your emotion into other things and I’m sorry that it hasn’t been giving you the results that you want or desire
Letting go is SO difficult, that’s why I don’t want to move on. Due to the circumstances of our breakup (me being in school and tied to STL at the moment) part of me secretly hopes he’ll come crawling back begging me to take him back after graduation. Then there’s that irrational fear of never finding someone as “good enough.” I’m in that hell right now. I’ll go out with friends for a beer or 7, and compare EVERY guy to him. NOT COOL.
I will disagree with you on the thought that time heals all wounds. I truly believe that it does, time just have to be given time. Of course, don’t sit around your ass expecting to feel better. Action is needed, but time is a factor in that. I love that quote though. It’s so true of human nature and the pessimism we all hold in ourselves, and in our lives. I give my negative thoughts (AKA my problems) too much power. This is why I wrote this essay, to try and start focusing on the solution, because sitting around feeling sorry for myself isn’t working, surprisingly haha (though this does contradict my opening statement to this paragraph. Oh well).
It truly sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and share your personal situations with me. I will take your advice of formulating goals. I have them in my mind, but being written down might make them 1) more meaningful 2) more positive. Keep trying to use that anger in a healthy way. I like to blast extremely angry music and workout or something. Always helps. I wish you the best of luck on this hellish but enlightening journey of trying to find a way back to normalcy.
-Kristen