“They say the only way to get over a broken heart is to fall in love again. So, I fell in love with myself. Best fucking relationship of my life.”
I’m starting this post now (3/23-HEY, it’s my half birthday!!!!), because I know that it will take me a long time to get it just right and blog-worthy for all of you curious cats out there. This post will seriously probably take me a week to write, no joke. It’s a long story, and on top of that story, I have a lot to say. That’s not new though…I always have a lot to say. I won’t relish you all with the tale of my relationship. I’m anti-posting my personal life on social media. Personal life meaning my relationships. Partying, going out and every other thing that could ruin me getting a career are open for you Facebook and Instagram stalkers of my life. (So it makes TOTAL sense to post this on a blog for the eyes of the public to see…right?)
But in all seriousness, I am proud to say that people in my class weren’t even aware that my boyfriend and I had broken up. Shit, I don’t even know if they knew we were dating. Point blank, this guy was/is my first love (no need to point out that I’m a super late bloomer, I’m fully aware). We broke up in the beginning of December and I still have random moments of feeling like I have been punched in the heart, like I’m nothing, like the relationship was nothing. It was a friendly breakup, if there is such a thing. The short and nasty- he lives in OC, CA, I live in Saint Louis, MO. He has a career, I have to finish school. Life just got in the way. I guess it’s worth mentioning that we have different goals in life~him not wanting kids, and me embracing the idea of a house screaming with little kiddos when I’m READY. Of course there’s more, but you have to get a few drinks in me before I spill anything else.
When someone reads that, it’s like, “duh…no wonder you two didn’t work out” but I was and am still blindsided by the cruel effects of first love. It’s true that all one does is glorify the GOOD. This is when the endless mindfuckery takes over your life. I define “mindfuckery” as the never ending roller coaster, highs and lows of your emotions. I almost always start my day with a “Fuck you, I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone. I’m just doing me!” attitude that will transition to a mopefest of what-ifs and thinking about that one night that I won’t talk about on a public blog. Haha no, but all you think about are the laughs, the sweet-nothings, the flowers. I miss the feeling of being loved…how bitchy does that sound? I know I’m loved. Love from a family and friend does not compare to someone who was THEONE though. It just doesn’t. It also doesn’t help when you start second questioning yourself as a person. HUGE NO-NO that I unfortunately am guilty of doing. If I’m not good enough for him, how can I be good enough for anyone else? Why am I even flirting with the idea that I’m not “good enough”? I am good enough and I have to keep telling myself that.
Yes, I still have nights where I break down and have a water works show comparable to the Niagra Falls. Yes, I do think that’s healthy. Ever notice after a huge sobfest how much BETTER you feel? It’s enlightening. So what can someone do to get over a breakup? My answer for you: I don’t know. That answer sucks, it really does but it’s the truth. Each person is different. There are a gazillion websites offering advice with the simple click of google. I’ve searched google many-a-day when I was feeling low and hating on myself after crying over him. I may or may not have a *secret* board on Pinterest of break up quotes ranging from the “you should have realized what you walked away from” to the “I’m not OK-but I will be.” I have a CONTRACT taped to my wall over my bed so that it’s the first thing I read when I wake up to. Ok, lies, my phone is and I STILL break the number one rule on my contract: stalking. It’s a shameful thing for me to admit. And maybe admitting it will help me kick the habit. I know it’s not healthy. I know it very well might be fueling those terrible fantasies of Mr. Not-So-Perfect coming, begging you to take him back. This is my worst break up habit that I must break ASAP. “Hi, my name is Kristen, and I still stalk my ex’s Instagram. PHEW.”
This is why I feel I have no right to talk about this…but there are a few things that HAVE worked. As mentioned in my previous post, I enjoy a good sweat sesh (get that thought out of your head now). I work out at least 5 days a week. This started after my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I used to be really into fitness. I ran a half marathon and was as skinny as can be. Then I moved into Excuseville- the land of not having time and eating like shit- and put on a few pounds. Long story short, I have a routine that I stick to and am in the best shape of my life. I take that back, I was in better shape after the half, but I didn’t have abs like I do now! Sorry, got on a little tangent there. I don’t want to get into too much detail in the event that I ever focus on fitness, but Bikram Yoga has been my saving grace. There’s something very therapeutic about doing yoga in a 107 degree room, sweating your ass off. All you can think about is you (if you’re not you may die) and getting through the next 90 minutes alive. I kid I kid, it really isn’t that bad. You can also get all philosophical and be like “Apart from sweating off 1/3 of my body weight, I know I’m getting rid of some toxins also!”
I really feel like I’m all over the map with this post, sorry. Recap: break ups suck, life sucks major d*** after, and I don’t have the magic answer for moving on in life. What I can say is this: All you can do, is do you, and only you can do that. Does that make sense? Because it’s super repetitive in terms of my not-so-creative choice of words. I’m still working on me. This is so über-cliche but I can’t even begin to fathom loving anyone else, until the only person I’m loving, is me.
What has helped you with a breakup? I welcome any and all stories/advice, but do not want to be a hostess of a pity party. GIRL (or guy) POWER!
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